Keep Fucking Going!

Keep Fucking Going!

I knelt on my yoga mat in the dimly lit room at 5am for my morning ritual practice of meditation and movement. I had a deep feeling of gratitude and peace inside as I began to meditate.  The candles were lit, the incense was burning on my makeshift altar made from a couple of old wood crates double stacked with my favorite books in them. My Buddha statue sat on top of the crates, wrapped in a pink mala, staring back at me as if to bestow all the wisdom in the universe. I didn’t know it yet, but apparently I needed some wisdom on this special morning.

I felt my emotions rise in gratitude as I scanned my mind for the incredible blessings in my life.  My unimaginably supportive partner, my loyal and loving friends, my beautiful and stable home all felt like huge gifts bestowing joy and love in my life. But as I moved my attention to my heart, to really feel into what I was feeling, I immediately began to sob.  An emotional well of tears began to release the very moment I turned inward.

I could feel fear arise.  

This fear had the flavor of dread. 

It was about working so hard on something without knowing the work would pay off.  I looked at the hundreds of miles left in my ultra marathon and I wasn’t sure I could make it to the end.  It was an uncomfortable uncertainty of not knowing how this would all play out.  

As I got quiet, all I kept hearing was the sound of my friends voice saying, keep going.  Keep going, get up and keep going. 

Have you had this kind of conversation with yourself before? The one that scares you because you know the difference between quitting and winning comes down to a moment’s decision.  You see how tired you already are, but you know you are nowhere near the end, and you worry all your work could be for nothing.  You start to get caught in the “what if” scenarios of your life and find your mind spiraling down to where a shopping cart and some cardboard boxes under a bridge are your new living quarters.  I know this fear well.  

We say we want a meaningful life and we want to experience life fully, but what I think we mostly mean is that we want to enjoy all the great adventures in life like bungee jumping and world travelling, not extreme poverty, dependence, or sleeping under a bridge.  We will gladly take a ride on top of the wave, but we’re not interested in the soul crushing falls.

But how can we expect to ride the wave without ever falling off the board.  These falls are a gift.  They carry the texture of grit.  We don’t want to rob ourselves from the gifts these experiences bring.  They will most likely prove to be more valuable than a perfect wave ever could be.

It’s during these raw and uncertain times we get to decide who and what is in charge of our happiness.  We get to decide if fear rules our decisions or if we will choose faith.  We get to see our real character up close and personal and have a little heart to heart with who we think we are.

What an opportunity this can be to test ourselves at our limit.  To put our hands to the fire and observe who we become when we are pressed to figure it out.  How else will we know if all the hours on our mat have worked? How can we ever know our abilities if we never have to test them in the real world?  It’s just not enough to study all this spiritual stuff, we have to suit up and play.  

Practice is over, it’s game time.

This game becomes an incredible motivation to answer the questions: What are we going to create?  Who do we want to become?  How can we use this moment to grow, evolve and expand our current version of ourselves?

I am sure we are bigger, stronger and more creative than we ever imagined and as one door closes, another opens.  Which door are you willing to walk through to grow and expand your current reality?

Our souls know what we need, we just need to listen to the whisper of our intuition.  Sometimes it speaks softly to us, nudging us in the gut. Sometimes it leaves clues in books, conversations, and repetitive signs.  Sometimes these insights come from random calls or unexpected encounters that we alone could never orchestrate.  

Expect these signs and then take action.  Lean into your intuition and trust it as your guide.  Follow your joy and watch for the many opportunities to come.   Know the universe has your back and keep fucking going.

Game on!